ABOUT THE BLOG

Why unwritten me? I’ve been banging on about blogging proper for forever it seems, so I could say it’s because it’s taken me this long to write it but, while that’s a neat narrative device, it’s not quite my true.

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When I was called back for a biopsy after my mammogram in 2017 I immediately assumed that I had breast cancer. While it turned out that I did have The Cancer (grade 3 pleomorphic invasive lobular, ER/PR+, HER2-), I had physically, mentally and emotionally unravelled in the 3 weeks before I got the definitive diagnosis.

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It soon became clear that I'd drive myself to distraction if I kept assuming the ‘bad’ when the actuality of the reality was still unknown and the ‘good’ was still in play.

Inspired by the Natasha Bedingfield song, I gave my head a wobble and decided that until something had actually happened (pathology, scan results, side effects … all the cancer whatevers) it wasn’t yet part of my story – it was unwritten. Now I mantra ‘unwritten’ like a mo-fo when I start to become mentally undone. It works. Mostly.

This blog is also unwritten because I write about cancer things that medical specialists didn’t talk to me about. Cancer-related fatigue, chemo brain-fog, medical menopause, to name a few, are all part of the oft-cliched ‘new normal’ for a cancer patient.

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I’m now 2 years out from the end of primary treatment (FEC-D chemotherapy, skin-sparing mastectomy and radiotherapy) and have had the first phase of my DIEP flap reconstruction, yet I’m still struggling with the fall-out from treatment. None of which I was prepared for, but all of which impacts my life every day.

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It’s unwritten because I write about things many non-cancer bods (aka cancer muggles) don’t know about, don’t want to know about and/or don’t expect ‘good’ cancer patients to talk about.

As a ‘good’ cancer patient you’re expected to be positive, inspiring, acquiescent and generally graciously grateful (and if you’ve got a good shaped head to rock chemo alopecia then you’re acing it!). Post-treatment a ‘good’ cancer patient shouldn’t talk about the not-so-good late effects because that’s all behind you now and you’re alive, aren’t you?!

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Bollox to that I reckon! Cos cancer is pretty shit and the shit doesn’t stop when invasive treatment stops. And sometimes things – treatment, medical professionals, friends, family – could do better. And us cancer bods need to be able to say that, otherwise how will things change? I’m not into blame-shaming but I am into curious ‘what if-ness’ if it gets a re-think on how we are expected to ‘do’ cancer. I realise there’s a danger I’ll be seen as a whinging Pom but coming from Liverpool (UK) it’s in my Scouse DNA to call things out.

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I moved to Australia from the UK to study at the University of Sydney in 2013. International students get some cultural coaching for Aussie life, including: if you’re asked “how are ya?” it’s more of a rhetorical nicety. Even if things are going to rat’s, the expected response is: “good, thanks!”.

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Since my diagnosis there’s been an expectation for me to radiate this sunny positivity as anything else is seen as a Negative Mental Attitude that unsettles many muggles (and which some believe can have a detrimental impact on prognosis. Spoiler: it doesn’t. And if you’re of a mind that it does, then this probably isn’t the blog for you).

That’s not to say I only write about the negative, because another unwritten is that there are some life-affirming positives that have come out of my Cancer Shitshow. Not that I would ever have wished for it but, you know, it is what it is and some of that ‘is’ is good.

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My unwritten written isn’t good or bad; positive or negative; right or wrong. It’s all these things sometimes; some of these things all-times; and sometimes none of these things at all. And, yeah, that makes it messy. Cancer is messy. It’s multi-faceted. It’s ambiguous. It’s complicated. It’s nuanced. And it has a dark humour.

And as more and more of us are fortunate to live life after a cancer diagnosis (and not just "survive"), it’s increasingly important that our lived and felt experiences are talked about both within the cancer community and outside of it too.

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So this is unwritten me written: foobs, flaps (surgical, vaginal and mental) and the nuanced bits in between. Good and bad; sometimes ranty; often a tad sweary.

Luan 💙

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*fat boobs – a term used in the breast cancer community to refer to breasts reconstructed from fat tissue from the abdomen (the DIEP flap reconstruction).