Day +100 Finally Get It #100DaysDIEP

I thought +100 would be a wrap-up of all things DIEP, blah, blah, but 100 days micro-blogging on the ‘gram has become about more than being on the DIEP-side. In the horror free-fall early days of The Cancer Shitshow, my Hubster said “I’m really sad for you”. That terrified me. It underscored there was nothing that could be done to make it go away. Our fam-bam motto, “It’s all figurable”, wasn’t gonna cut it: I was alone. As a cancer patient you often find yourself utterly alone existentially: the D Day of diagnosis; in the deafening rumble of the MRI; watching the first chemo snake into your vein; on the radiotherapy table when the radiographers have legged it; pre-op when incisions are marked up on your body by a detached surgeon; when you’re unravelling post-op because of pain but an absent anaesthetist refuses to give immediate relief and not even the nurses know why. Cancer creates a separateness between those who had/have cancer & those who have not. A vastness that can stretch from a chink to a chasm, which cancer muggles (medical professionals included) can’t bridge. I pretty much went it alone during “active treatment” last year; I didn’t connect with the cancer community IRL or virtually. My amazing friends held me up, but there’s cancer shit that they simply don’t get, no matter how much they love you (and you don’t want them to get it cos the “get” is only got with a D Day). Non-cancer bods are often horrified at cancer in-jokes, think it’s time to move on from all this cancer guff or don’t think it’s good to interact online with people who have cancer cos, you know, they might die. Well, yes, and I might be one of those that cancer gets in the end. That’s the reality of living, laughing & loving with and after cancer. That’s my reality. It takes those who know to know: they get it, cos they got it. To all my Insta-mates who got it: I’m so very, very sorry you did. I would do anything to figure it. But I can’t. All I can do is say a humble thank you for finding time in your own Shitshow to help me through the last 100 days. I will forever hold you in my heart (& foob!).