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Day +98 About not posting about post-op trauma #100DaysDIEP

Reflection, North Shore Private Hospital, 14 May 2019

This post is late going up, and here’s for why … Day +98 marks 14 weeks since I had my DIEP flap reconstruction. It therefore seemed a good time to write about what had happened to me immediately post-op (see Day +1) before the #100DaysDIEP countdown was up. I had worked so very hard to be ready for surgery, both physically and mentally. As I posted on Day -5, I’d stepped up my psyche sessions to shift myself from the passive-positivity of “I’ve got a great team - let’s do this” to a deep-belly assuredness that “I can do this!” Look: I’m even taking window-selfies at 5.30am before going down to surgery. I wasn’t scared at all, even in the pre-op room. Not a bit. However, that was uncaringly undone in the 2 hours post-op, as was I. So much for me for being so selfie-cocky! Dealing with the mental fall-out from my post-op trauma was a recurring theme in the first half of #100Days. The theme usually being me not being able to deal with it. #MentalLoops I had thought I was ready to write about it, but I’m not. It needs more - more space/time/words/more of me - to be honoured than I can do here. This realisation has dropped me back into a head-fug. Just like Day +44, even writing about not writing about it is a trigger. #MentalLoopsEverywhere But I will, I will write about it. Watch this space: things will become clearer (I hope!). .

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