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  • luan


It was tipping down this morning so kayaking was a no-go. The rain brought this lil visitor to our door. It made me think how snail-like I felt recently, dragging myself along and not really getting anywhere fast. Not necessarily a problem in iso, but still … who wants to make like a mollusc?

Instead of hitting the harbour I zoomed into a yoga session. Beforehand I sought a Dreamtime card for intention setting and pulled the firefly.

The creator of the cards sees the firefly as depicting an aching need to find your soulmate. Mine’s already found, so I see this card more as a need to find a light in the darkness, searching for that spark of purpose.

So when I got a call from my surgeon’s office offering to bring my pre-surgery appointment forward to tomorrow, I took them up on in it cos to move on I need to crack on.

This is actually quite a big deal for me. Since my DIEP I’ve always scheduled a psyche session before I see my plazzy as I find it all a bit triggery. Also, I’ll be on my todd.

Towards the end of last year I was rather fed up with being fiddled with (scans, seroma drain, pelvic ultrasound, colonoscopy & polyp removal etc. on top of DIEP follow-ups). And I’ve noticed that when I’m being examined I mentally need to attend to my mind internally screaming “leave me the fuck alone” and fight the impulse to cry/recoil/shove them away.

For real, and not only breasty exams: at a podiatry appointment a couple of months ago I almost hit them when they prodded me. Oh how we laughed.

While I’m resisting the urge to chin whoever, I can’t really focus on what’s being said to me. It’s as if my mind needs to attend to the back-of-house anxiety attack. But as usual I have heaps of questions for the asking.

So, while I feel a sense of being fired up to get going on phase 2, there’s another part of me that just wants to shrink back. But that’s all par for the Cancer Shitshow course, I guess. The “I know I’ve gotta, but I don’t wanna” duality.

But it’s time to front-up my pair, slap my cancer game-face back on and gird myself.

Maybe I’m an amalgamation of my mollusc messenger and intention inspo: a fire-snail.

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